Friday, May 17, 2013

SCRATCHING THE SURFACE


A group discussion about an unpopular person - perhaps
because they take more than their fair share from the buffet
If you are a human reading this, I’m sure you’ve spent a lot of time in your life wondering why you dislike a particular person so much. You’ve probably done this inside your head and also in a group with others.




But have you spent as much time analysing why you like someone? A person you like can potentially do more harm because you let them into your life and you confide in them. Humans prefer to find altruistic reasons for their actions, when the truth is that you are drawn to certain people because they fulfil a specific emotional need.

I have a client who has a pattern of befriending bullies because he was bullied as a child. He is subconsciously flattered that the bully wants to make friends; and experience has taught him it’s safer to be in the bully’s pack than outside it. This is not a good basis for a friendship.

It’s also unwise to form an alliance with someone simply because you both dislike the same person. This kind of friendship is very negative, unsatisfying and unlikely to last.

Helping Anthony with mowing by being a cheerful companion
My friendship with Anthony Woodgate is a good example of a healthy relationship. Anthony pays for everything and in return he has unlimited access to my philosophies and life coaching skills. We give each other equal amounts of attention and we enjoy the same kinds of activities. This positive combination has led us to become Best Friends.

Top notch choc chip cookies and
mini milk chocolate bars
Moira (who is writing a book about Anthony and me called SMALL WHITE DOG) had a friend who only liked her because she kept a tin of top quality chocolate biscuits on a shelf behind her desk. This is also an excellent foundation for a friendship.



Have a happy weekend and remember: Be careful whom you like! 

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4 comments:

  1. Dear Tony,
    My only comment to this week's topic would be to be cautious with friendships. They are overrated, time consuming and sooner or later you'll be disappointed. Or rejected.
    Then there's the aspect of not being able to fully cultivate your egocentricity.
    Solitude is the new social.

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    1. Once again a most interesting comment from you, Mr T! Human relationships are certainly very complicated, I agree. It would be much easier if you didn't remember things so well. To give you an example: I might have a bad-tempered encounter with my pug friend, Daisy, one morning but the next day we'll have forgotten about it and will enjoy a game together with Monkey. Loss of memory can be a bonus!

      With deep and lasting friendship

      Tony Russell

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  2. "Be careful whom you like!" Yup. Excellent advice- concise and to the point. I like that. I would also say it is wise to be careful whom you spend time with... So often we spend time with folks who really bring us down, you know? (Co-workers, certain family members, etc.) But then, I suppose it's unavoidable at times... which really is a shame. Hmmm... Anyway! Thank you for taking the time to share your advice! I'm sure you and Moira have your heads buried deep in editing that novel I can't wait to read!

    p.s. Love "Canary Wharf"! And have you tried the Black Pepper Cheesecake? Sounds kinda wild!

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    1. Hello dear Ms Kara. Yes, there are always plenty of humans ready to ruin your day or make you feel 'less than'. Always remember they are small, crumpled humans inside, jealous of who you are - talented, loving, generous and happy in your relationship.

      'Canary Wharf' is a nice song and I always love Mr Zep's arrangements, but I wish someone else was singing it.

      I haven't tried the black pepper cheesecake, although I did try a version of it once at The Light House [http://www.lighthousewimbledon.com/] in Wimbledon, one of my favourite restaurants. I'm wondering if I should make the recipes I recommend and report back in the following blog ...?

      With loving friendship

      Tony Russell

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